a tiger in a cage can never see the sun

take me for what I am
who I was meant to be
and if you give a damn
take me baby, or leave me

Is this sticking to your guns or making excuses for acting like a fool?

p.s. I'm on another Rent kick. I finally bought the cd set and have been jamming out like crazy on my drives to and from work. People probably think I'm insane. This diva needs her stage, baby lets have fun! Apparently my stage is the drivers seat of a volvo s40. My audience, the people who drive near me, that hopefully can't hear. I wouldn't have it any other way. :)

before it's too late

And freedom, oh freedom well, that's just some people talkin'
Your prison is walking through this world all alone


Well, I guess it's back to the drawing board. Time to regroup and focus on me, like I intended to do a while ago. I have so much stuff to sort out- and it's just too hard with distractions. Especially wonderful distractions that make you happy and feel good.

I know that what I'm doing is the right thing. I KNOW that. But, of course, I still find myself riddled with doubt. If it makes you happy, it can't be that bad. If it makes you happy, then why the hell are you so sad? Sorry to be on lyrical overload at the moment- but that's just how my mind works.

So here's what I'm thinking. This is what I need to do- spend at least a year completely solo. No dating, no distractions, learning to stand on my own two feet and figure out my path in life. I'm so focused and driven in every aspect of my life, except for this one. How does that make any sense? When I picture myself down the road, who I'm with is never a part of the vision. Why is that? Well, I know it probably means that I really am a product of my parents- both incredibly driven and goal-oritented people who have accomplished amazing things- but for both of them it seems that the person they spend their life with (or portions of their life, as the case may be) never really factored into that goal-oriented mentality. In that area they just went with the flow, if it worked, it worked. I'm being a little unfair and over-simplifying, I guess. But being raised primarily without ever having witnessed a healthy and lasting relationship and being influenced primarily by dominant-driven women who put themselves first and fight conventional bs has left it's mark I guess.

But I digress. I'm not making much sense I probably realize- and I will not edit this before I publish it, so deal. :)

A few months late- but this will be the start of my quarter-life crisis. 25- the year of Holly. The year that I concentrate on me and only me and make the best choices for myself. Where I don't have to worry about anyone else's feelings or agenda. I'm going to straighten out my life, enjoy living alone, spend loads of time with friends and family (but only those that deserve it!), stop worrying about my past and learn to enjoy the present for what it is, but work towards the future that I want in every single way. This year I will find a new and more permanent residence, achieve two more of my life goals- climbing mount kilimanjaro (discussed it with MA last night and am super pumped!) and completing a triathalon (matt and I will cheer each other on across state lines). I will continue my aggressive career path- which I am loving right now- couldn't be better. I will get involved with a local church (found one on tuesday that I want to try) and non-profit organization (have a meeting with someone the week after next).

I'm going to try to stop worrying about what everyone else thinks, and worrying about each decision that could change my life. Do you think you ever run out of chances to start over? Why am I always afraid that this could have been it, then I went and screwed it up and now I am doomed. I always say that things have a way of working themselves out for the best. Now I just need to learn to believe it in this particular area of my life.

Ok- I'm done rambling.

It's been a pretty rough week. A chart-topper. I can not wait for a road-trip, a girls weekend, and a wedding.

And I may or may not need to make myself feel better by buying new shoes. Wearing my relatively new satin coral-colored ones today certainly helped! ;)

me llamo el desaparecido

So I have this desk calendar from one of the departments at my previous company- each month it shows some festival in a different city around the world with facts and information about it- love it. August’s city is Dubai. I had to turn it back to July (Sydney) because it made me angry looking at it. I can’t wait for September (Munich). :)

I also like to peek through people.com every once in a while- I like the 'hit or miss' voting on people's outfits. What could possibly be better than anonymously passing judgement on strangers? Apparently trump threw a Trump Towers Dubai (or something like that) celebration in LA a few days ago. I had to fight back the gag reflex when I saw what event the outfits were from and that all these horribly naïve people were coming out to celebrate this awful city thinking it’s all wonderful and exotic…

I might still have a little pent up resentment…

One way or another

On my way up to the cabin the other day I stopped and visited the restaurant that I worked at all through college. A few people I know still work there- which was fun. While chatting with one friend that I hadn't seen in years I was informed of another random web search that brings up my name. Apparently while researching a job at the Girl Scouts this friend of mine stumbled across a certain picture from a few halloweens ago that I posted on my blog. Oh the silliness! I have since changed my blog settings so they don't come up in search engines, but it's pretty amusing that I apparently have a way of popping into people's lives when they least expect it. :)

before you know it you're frozen

I think I'm still re-adjusting to life in the US. It's so fast-paced. I feel like I'm always running at a mile a minute, have 10 things on my mind and 25 on my plate at any given moment, and am never quite caught up. I guess I didn't realize while I was away just how much more relaxed life was. Mind you, I was constantly bored stiff and miserable- ha ha ha. No, this fast-paced lifestyle definitely suits me better.

Unfortunately I now have another extremely sucky task added to my plate that I didn't think I'd have to deal with for a while: apartment hunting. The new and fabulous place that I moved into in may is a privately owned condo and apparently the landlord decided that it was a great idea to stop paying the bills. So it's being forclosed on. Boo. Back to the drawing board. Unfortuntely I haven't been able to find anything comparable with the price, updates and location. I have to compromise on one of them- I hate compromise.

I'll probably end up moving slightly away from the area that I love so much. I'd still like to have it be a place where I can walk to the grocery store, or happy hour, etc. But we'll see what I come up with. It might be nice to live in a complex as well- then I'd have a gym, parking, all that fun stuff and most likely not have to worry about pesky little things like foreclosure. :)

So if anyone knows of any sweet apartments in the Minneapolis uptown/downtown area- let me know ;)

Free falling

Finally, after years and years trying to find someone to go with and trying to find time/money to go- I went skydiving on Sunday!

I was so lackadasical in the days leading up to it that I was expecting to freak out a little when we finally went up in the plane- or at least when we were standing in the doorway. You know how you always see people on tv or in movies that are hanging onto the side of the plane and screaming? I thought for sure that would be me. :) But nope. I was not nervous at all- it was an absolute blast!

May have to go again soon... :)

So this is my 10th day of the cleanse (over 1/3 of the way there- woohoo!). Things are going really well- I can already feel the difference. So far I've learned that I'm awful at taking pills and that blue-green algae supplements smell funny. But I also determined today that I no longer miss most of the things that I can't eat or drink. I miss the activities that are associated with them. Happy hours after work, being able to stop and have dinner when I'm out window shopping with a friend. I have no problem going out and not drinking- but when it's a two person happy hour, that usually makes the other person feel weird. I'm also spending a LOT of time cooking- which is good, and usually fun. But man, it takes a LOT of time.

But for the most part I haven't really felt too deprived yet. The biggest test will come tomorrow, with a good friend's all-day bachelorette party. Mmmm... champagne.... Maybe I can pretend with sparkling water? :(

Well I saved my pennies and I saved my dimes

Come Sunday, I will be the proud owner of a brand new (to me) car!

This is the first car that I have totally choosen all by myself, and I am in love with it. It's very me.

I thought I wasn't going to be able to get it at first, because the dealer wouldn't budge on the price- but no one tells Holly no! ;) I went around him and got it anyway- for the price I wanted. Love, love, love!