I'm a hazard to myself

Part of my personal mission statement is that I will never let my self worth be determined by anyone other than myself. A stumbling block to this, that I've recently realized, is that you first need to be able to properly value yourself. Easier said than done, I think. No matter how much I pump myself up and try to convince myself that I am worth a certain level of something (depending on the situation), I always end up low-balling. I can even rehearse the exact response in my head 100 times, and when it comes out of my mouth it's different, slightly under par.

Why I am afraid to pursue what I truly think I deserve? If only I could be one of those people who can walk into any situation and confidently say 'This is what I'm after and I won't be satisfied with less'... (Do those people ever miss out on amazing opportunities because they were too stubborn to see them for what they are?)

To be fair I have gotten much better lately, standing my ground when push comes to shove. But at the intersection of dreams and reality, we all know which one usually wins. What kinds of things are ok to settle for, and what should you never compromise on? I am a firm believer that things always work out for the best... eventually. But I guess the kicker is whether or not you have the patience to let things run their natural course. Try to force it, or rush it, and it always blows up in your face.

I'm hoping that in the next week things will become a lot clearer. Until then, I'll do my best to remain patient and steadfast. How do the pessimists of the world survive the unknown?!

shaking my confidence, driving me crazy

In the last few years my general trust in people has been totally shaken, partly for practical reasons (Minnesota Nice doesn't work everywhere), partly for 'people are crappy' reasons. Turns out I'm not a very good judge of character...

But against my better judgement, I can't help but truly believe that the vast majority of people are intrinsically good. So it's only fair for me to give everyone a chance to prove themselves. And if this means I get followed around all night by scary Mafia men, well then I guess, so be it. I just enjoy being nice to people. I enjoy taking them by surprise with pleasantness. Not that I'm a stepford wife or anything, but I think most people have become so crabby in their everyday life that seeing seemingly random and uninspired cheerfulness is truly shocking. It's unfortunate when that is sometimes misinterpretted, and I have learned some lessons the hard way. But at the end of the day I'd still rather be nice to everyone and have it occasionally backfire than have to wear my bitchitude face constantly. That's no way to go through life.

Most people are inherently good, and therefore deserve to be treated with politeness and respect. Why can't more people get this? It's not a difficult concept... People that go out of their way to hurt others... I will just never understand. Perhaps in the same way I will never understand violent video games. Why is that fun? But that's another story.

I guess the point is, that no matter how many people knock me down, I still vow to get up with style and grace, flash a stranger a smile, compliment my neighbor's shoes and overtip my server.

I still believe people of gentleness and faith can change the world one unseen, unsung, unrewarded kindness at a time and nothing in this world can make me stop.

what are you trying to prove?

It's an intriguing question. And when followed with, 'Who are you trying to prove it to', is likely to send someone, at least someone like me, into a tailspin.

At work the other day, after receiving rave reviews of my recent presentation ; ) , I got into a conversation with some of the people in my department's about direction and purpose. All of them were saying how they just kind of fell into their current careers haphazardly, or because they happened to be good at something, whether or not they actually wanted to do it. They talked about how they had never done any guided introspective thinking to find out what they really wanted out of life.

This blew me away.

I have done countless 'personal mission' and 'vision' sessions either as a facilitated workshop or in a group- and these people are twice my age! I consider myself to have pretty good direction in life. I know what I want, and how I want to get there. But I wouldn't have figured that out if I hadn't gone about it in a deliberate way.

But this goals, plans, etc- these things that I have down pat- they are really an entirely different question than the subject line. And frankly, that is one that makes me question all of it, just a little. I still want all the things that I have always wanted. But what's the reason behind that? Who am I trying to prove myself to? Maybe this means that I am chasing all the wrong dreams- or rather, the right ones, but for the wrong reasons. Is that really any better?