before it's too late

And freedom, oh freedom well, that's just some people talkin'
Your prison is walking through this world all alone


Well, I guess it's back to the drawing board. Time to regroup and focus on me, like I intended to do a while ago. I have so much stuff to sort out- and it's just too hard with distractions. Especially wonderful distractions that make you happy and feel good.

I know that what I'm doing is the right thing. I KNOW that. But, of course, I still find myself riddled with doubt. If it makes you happy, it can't be that bad. If it makes you happy, then why the hell are you so sad? Sorry to be on lyrical overload at the moment- but that's just how my mind works.

So here's what I'm thinking. This is what I need to do- spend at least a year completely solo. No dating, no distractions, learning to stand on my own two feet and figure out my path in life. I'm so focused and driven in every aspect of my life, except for this one. How does that make any sense? When I picture myself down the road, who I'm with is never a part of the vision. Why is that? Well, I know it probably means that I really am a product of my parents- both incredibly driven and goal-oritented people who have accomplished amazing things- but for both of them it seems that the person they spend their life with (or portions of their life, as the case may be) never really factored into that goal-oriented mentality. In that area they just went with the flow, if it worked, it worked. I'm being a little unfair and over-simplifying, I guess. But being raised primarily without ever having witnessed a healthy and lasting relationship and being influenced primarily by dominant-driven women who put themselves first and fight conventional bs has left it's mark I guess.

But I digress. I'm not making much sense I probably realize- and I will not edit this before I publish it, so deal. :)

A few months late- but this will be the start of my quarter-life crisis. 25- the year of Holly. The year that I concentrate on me and only me and make the best choices for myself. Where I don't have to worry about anyone else's feelings or agenda. I'm going to straighten out my life, enjoy living alone, spend loads of time with friends and family (but only those that deserve it!), stop worrying about my past and learn to enjoy the present for what it is, but work towards the future that I want in every single way. This year I will find a new and more permanent residence, achieve two more of my life goals- climbing mount kilimanjaro (discussed it with MA last night and am super pumped!) and completing a triathalon (matt and I will cheer each other on across state lines). I will continue my aggressive career path- which I am loving right now- couldn't be better. I will get involved with a local church (found one on tuesday that I want to try) and non-profit organization (have a meeting with someone the week after next).

I'm going to try to stop worrying about what everyone else thinks, and worrying about each decision that could change my life. Do you think you ever run out of chances to start over? Why am I always afraid that this could have been it, then I went and screwed it up and now I am doomed. I always say that things have a way of working themselves out for the best. Now I just need to learn to believe it in this particular area of my life.

Ok- I'm done rambling.

It's been a pretty rough week. A chart-topper. I can not wait for a road-trip, a girls weekend, and a wedding.

And I may or may not need to make myself feel better by buying new shoes. Wearing my relatively new satin coral-colored ones today certainly helped! ;)